Here at Jack Catchem.com, I handle only the most critical, fascinating, and deeply troubling issues confronting law enforcement from a Fabulously Californian perspective. This Thursday’s revelation is a real mind bender, so hold onto your butts. Based on my extensive internet research, I am horrified to report Police Departments hire nerds!
As if this was not bad enough, departments are actively TARGETING nerds! We used to attract recruits through awesome “High Octane” style advertising that leaves military veterans dry mouthed and horny, like this video from Melbourbe PD. Now Fort Worth PD is trashing tradition and leading with Star Wars based recruiting videos while Costa Mesa PD’s recent release is heavily influenced by “Game of Thrones.” Police Departments hire Nerds! The eighties have come again with the revenge of the nerds.
Why Police Departments hire nerds
Struggling past the Rancor like visage of the belligerant rage my Drill Instructor must be in, I’m going to try and approach this issue with logic and clarity istead of devolving into a screamfest worthy of a Red Wedding. Here’s my postulation on why Police Departments hire nerds.
1) Nerds know things. Scary, creepy things like “legal precedents” and “the penal code.” Even if they don’t, any Nerd able to absorb the accumulated rules and regulations of a Dungeons and Dragons game can be taught to execute “probable cause” stops. They’ve learned and have the ability to continue learning.
2) Nerds have PASSION. Ever seen the lines at a ComicCon? How about accidentally conflated Star Wars and Star Trek to the wrong individual. Stand by for a Fan Boy fueled rant that would leave a Marine Corps Sergeant impressed by the fury, if not the delivery.
3) Nerds have skills. Maybe not the traditional recruits “nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills…” but nerds have skills police department are currently nerding out over. Nerds may speak foreign languages. Skill. Nerds understand and have respect for statistical probability (SkyNet…I mean, CompStat approves). Skill. Nerds get college degrees. Skill. Nerds can also be women. Skill. There’s three out of my five best ways to get hired, all by being a nerd.
The Post Modern policing age is upon us. Physical skill is worthless in the face of a solid Taser strike. Cops don’t even need to drive once Uber controls the world. When I make a regular stop these days, people demand to know the reasonable suspicion for their detention. What do they think I am, a uniformed lawyer? This scenario calls for a NERD.
Thus, as appalled as I am, congratulations to Fort Worth PD and Costa Mesa PD for realizing a trending subsect of society to poach the best recruits of the next era from. While everyone else is haunting Marine Corps bases and College football tryouts, those two departments have the pick of the brainy litter. I guess it makes sense that Police Departments hire Nerds.
In case you are curious, yes, this (like all posts here) are intended to amuse, not insult. Please don’t hack my website. Looking at you, Uzbekistan. Readers: Have these departments lost their minds or are they onto the new wave of the future? If mental acuity is more important than physicality, does it make sense to alter the recruit targeting parameter? Let me know in the comments below!