Jack Catchem.com

Police Departments hire Nerds!

Here at Jack Catchem.com, I handle only the most critical, fascinating, and deeply troubling issues confronting law enforcement from a Fabulously Californian perspective. This Thursday’s revelation is a real mind bender, so hold onto your butts. Based on my extensive internet research, I am horrified to report Police Departments hire nerds!

You say “Nerd.” I say “LEVEL 10, B!+c#!”

As if this was not bad enough, departments are actively TARGETING nerds! We used to attract recruits through awesome “High Octane” style advertising that leaves military veterans dry mouthed and horny, like this video from Melbourbe PD. Now Fort Worth PD is trashing tradition and leading with Star Wars based recruiting videos while Costa Mesa PD’s recent release is heavily influenced by “Game of Thrones.” Police Departments hire Nerds! The eighties have come again with the revenge of the nerds.

Why Police Departments hire nerds

Struggling past the Rancor like visage of the belligerant rage my Drill Instructor must be in, I’m going to try and approach this issue with logic and clarity istead of devolving into a screamfest worthy of a Red Wedding. Here’s my postulation on why Police Departments hire nerds.

1) Nerds know things. Scary, creepy things like “legal precedents” and “the penal code.” Even if they don’t, any Nerd able to absorb the accumulated rules and regulations of a Dungeons and Dragons game can be taught to execute “probable cause” stops. They’ve learned and have the ability to continue learning.

2) Nerds have PASSION. Ever seen the lines at a ComicCon? How about accidentally conflated Star Wars and Star Trek to the wrong individual. Stand by for a Fan Boy fueled rant that would leave a Marine Corps Sergeant impressed by the fury, if not the delivery.

3) Nerds have skills. Maybe not the traditional recruits “nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills…” but nerds have skills police department are currently nerding out over. Nerds may speak foreign languages. Skill. Nerds understand and have respect for statistical probability (SkyNet…I mean, CompStat approves). Skill. Nerds get college degrees. Skill. Nerds can also be women. Skill. There’s three out of my five best ways to get hired, all by being a nerd.

Master of Science in CRIMINOLOGY?! Hah. NERD!

The Post Modern policing age is upon us. Physical skill is worthless in the face of a solid Taser strike. Cops don’t even need to drive once Uber controls the world. When I make a regular stop these days, people demand to know the reasonable suspicion for their detention. What do they think I am, a uniformed lawyer? This scenario calls for a NERD.

Thus, as appalled as I am, congratulations to Fort Worth PD and Costa Mesa PD for realizing a trending subsect of society to poach the best recruits of the next era from. While everyone else is haunting Marine Corps bases and College football tryouts, those two departments have the pick of the brainy litter. I guess it makes sense that Police Departments hire Nerds.

In case you are curious, yes, this (like all posts here) are intended to amuse, not insult. Please don’t hack my website. Looking at you, Uzbekistan. Readers: Have these departments lost their minds or are they onto the new wave of the future? If mental acuity is more important than physicality, does it make sense to alter the recruit targeting parameter? Let me know in the comments below!



    IMHO, the best cops are above average in three areas: book-learning smarts, MUSCLE that can win a street-fight and street-smarts.

    If forced to pick two as the most important, I’d pick muscle & street-smarts. I figure that getting compliance through intimidation is much better than putting hands on the subject. After all, I might get hurt .

    1. Jack (Post author)

      Which brings us to the eternal question: how do we test for street smarts in interviews. As a sheltered suburbanite applying for a big city police department, I know I had a lot of learning to do!

      1. Sam

        With the slew of “Cops gone crazy” video and the fact that nowadays most bystanders have cameras on their phones, the good l’days of “Your honor, he was resisting excuse” are over. And thank god for that.

        You have to learn the policing is not the same as fighting war. Hiring military guys with “Us versus THEM” attitude, means that they bring that attitude when dealing with public. The only problem is that the public is not the enemy and cities don’t like coughing up millions of dollars any time one of these Rambos lose their shit.

        So good on these departments to realize that brain dead automatons who can only enforce laws through use of physical force are not good at policing.

  2. Cash Flow Celt

    As one of my favorite deputies likes to say “I’m better at verbal Judo than I am regular Judo. I prefer it that way.” Words don’t breed lawsuits at the same rate as a more hands on approach and, like you mentioned, there are many non-lethal tools a less physically inclined person can use to avoid rolling around with a perp.

    Plus, think about the imagery set against the 2017 media backdrop. Which looks better on a force: a bunch of meatheads cramming whey protein down their gullet or a more passive nerdy looking squad? Can’t say I blame PD’s.
    Cash Flow Celt recently posted…How to be a Happy and Successful Working ParentMy Profile


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